We all know that bosses are a real cause of our frustration. Right ? How many of you have ever slapped your boss?
(look around with a pause), No one –
I have (pause) in my imagination!
How many of you have ever told your wife to "Go to Hell"
(look around with a pause), wow at least there are few brave husbands in the audience.
Me too (pause) in reality. Of course after that I had to starve for a week because when I asked for food
she told me (talk in a female voice) "It is not allowed to cook in hell"!
Contest Chair, ladies and gentlemen, Good Evening.
My dilemma till date is why do people wait for a reality to occur when they can experience the same through imagination.
How do I prepare for my Toastmaster meetings.
The day I have to give a humorous speech I imagine that I am speaking in an International Speech contest. Believe me everyone starts laughing while I stand there wondering what is going on.
When I have to give an International Speech I imagine that I am in a humorous speech competition. No one laughs, everyone looks at each other and looks back at me to see what I am talking about. I then only have to wait for the timer to grin and there I am, I have finished my international speech.
My message is –
if you know that what you are going to do is only going to end up in frustration and desperation what should you do?
You should …..(Wait for people to answer) I-m-a-g-i-n-e.
Right. I thought you all had gone into the world of imagination already.
Please listen to me attentively – you can start imagining after I have finished my speech.
My journey towards becoming an imagination expert all started one morning when I wanted a promotion.
I went to my boss and asked him for a promotion.
My boss asked me why I wanted a promotion.
I said, “Boss, I want a salary raise”,
(speak in a deep voice) "if you want a raise stand on the nearest chair….".
I was deeply hurt that day and that very night in my desperation I saw myself sitting in my boss's chair and my boss was standing in front of me begging me for a promotion. I gave him a chair asked him to stand on it and when he stood on the chair I brought out my big palm and gave him one tight slap. Next thing I knew was, my wife bandaging my bleeding hand as I had broken the glass table lamp next to our bed!
Imagine, Imagine and Imagine, even the sky is not the limit if you were to imagine.
I became so confident of my imagination skills that I started teaching it to others as well.
I had a crazy, sorry, clever set of Toastmasters in my house one day and I was giving them an educational module on the topic the Art of Imagination.
Suddenly one of the Toastmasters stood up and said that he wanted to practice the skills immediately.
Knowing that it is typical of Toastmasters to act immediately, I asked him to go ahead. He stood in front of everyone and said "Now imagine God has gifted a tail to all human beings!"
Now how would we evaluate Toastmaster's speeches?
“Your speech was very nice but in my humble opinion, a few pointers for improvement.
"Why didn’t you lift your tail and greet the audience"
“You kept your tail down throughout your speech which shows a sign of nervousness.”
"You were not moving your tail during speech transitions"
Remember….. tail expressions are very important”
Ladies and Gentlemen, I had to struggle for the next 5 minutes to bring back the Toastmaster from the world of imagination to the world of reality.
So I do encourage you to imagine but be reasonable. Don’t over imagine like my fellow humorous speech competitors that they will win the IBQ Humorous Award. Be reasonable like me to imagine that I will win it after all!
Imagine sensibly, reasonably & intelligently like me when only yesterday I was with Mr. Obama to congratulate him on winning the Nobel Peace prize and he apologized that it was supposed to be won by me but they somehow chose Obama's name at the last moment because they wanted me to win the IBQ Communicator Award instead!
Ladies & Gentlemen, The world of imagination is yours. Don’t imagine it just experience it!
A serious word of caution to those who are prone to talking in their sleep.
Never imagine bad about your spouse.
You never know when IMAGINATION can turn to REALITY!!!
Over to the Contest Chair.
Mr.Miser
Free Delivery Free Delivery – where is it – my wife is in labour – where is the labour ward.
What do you call a person looking for a free labour ward outside a Pizza joint which has a big sign – FREE DELIVERY.
Well I call him a miser!!!
Misers are aplenty in this world and I have had the good fortune to come across some of them.
A person goes to a Hotel where it is clearly written “Eating your own food is not allowed”.
Well, he exchanged his Tiffin box with his friend!
A person’s house was on fire.
He gave 100’s of missed calls to the Fire Brigade!
Whenever I reject my wife’s proposal to buy ornaments for her, she angrily says “Mr. Miser”.
I am sure after watching today’s video she will definitely become happy as the Contest Chairperson also called me “Mr. Miser Ashfaque Deshmukh!”
If you ask me for the best miser that I have come across and if IBQ bank were to have a competition in miserliness then the winner would be my uncle YASIR the ultimate miser
and I am in no way referring to my good friend TM Yasir. He is a good friend, very generous and not a miser and might even share the prize money with me tonight.
So let me take you back to my childhood. One day I heard a shout
Salman!!!...Salman….!!! Take a bag from the house and go to the market to buy potatoes. They are very cheap today. Go hurry up.
Salman (my cousin) took a bag from the house and came back to his father (my uncle) and asked him “Papa how many kilos potato should I buy.”
“250 gms!”
Yes, my uncle is a classic, Ideal, exemplary miser.
Well known as the Miser of the town but who is proud of all his miserly actions.
Now he was trying to teach the same skills to his son Salman.
He was always telling my father,
“Your children are spending money unnecessarily unlike my children” and to prove that he would always ask us various questions.
One day he asked me a question in front of my father.
“Ashfaque..!!!! What will you do if I give you 50 rupees?”
Though I was 100% sure that he will never give me 50 rupees but to be sincere in front of my father I replied,
“I will buy some chocolates and some of my favorite story books”
The he asked the same question to Salman.
“Salman tell me what you will do if I give you 50 rupees”
“I will give it back to you immediately”
My father surprised and asked Salman
“Salman …. Why you will return that money?”
“Uncle…. I know he will take it from my pocket when I sleep.”
When we were in college Salman was nearing graduation from his father’s university but Guru Uncle was always keeping an eye on his activities.
Someone gave information to uncle that Salman was always taking his girlfriend to restaurants.
Uncle Yasir became angry, not for Salman having a girlfriend but that Salman was spending money.
When Salman came home, Uncle Yasir in an angry mood asked him,
“I am not asking you whether today you took your girlfriend to a restaurant or not. Tell me clearly how much money you spent in the restaurant?”
“100 rupees”
“What 100 rupeesss!!!!!!”
“What to do Papa? She had only that much”
One day a nice person came to Uncle Yasir to change his ways.
He said “Please stop all these miserly acts and change yourself”. It is not good instead do some social work. Help others. Do at least one kind act a day”.
Next day excitedly uncle Yasir told his friend that he had done a good act and had saved the life of a beggar.
“That’s a very nice beginning……What did you do?” said the friend.
“I asked the beggar, what if I give you 1000 rupees now itself”
“I will die of a Heart Attack”
“So I did not give him anything.”
The American Novelist, Nathaniel Hawthorne has rightly said,
“Punishment of a miser - to pay the drafts of his heir in his tomb”
Unfortunately Uncle Yasir was suspected to have Diabetes.
The Doctor asked Uncle to give his Urine sample for checking to the laboratory.
Accordingly Uncle gave a test tube of the sample.
On confirmation that he had sugar in his urine, he went to the laboratory.
"Give me back my urine sample!"
"But Sir, it is of no use, we have thrown it."
"I will complain to the authorities, how can you throw off my sample?"
"Bur Sir, it is of no use to you."
"What do you mean? It had sugar in it!"
I leave it to your imagination what Uncle Yasir wanted to use the sugar for!
What do you call a person looking for a free labour ward outside a Pizza joint which has a big sign – FREE DELIVERY.
Well I call him a miser!!!
Misers are aplenty in this world and I have had the good fortune to come across some of them.
A person goes to a Hotel where it is clearly written “Eating your own food is not allowed”.
Well, he exchanged his Tiffin box with his friend!
A person’s house was on fire.
He gave 100’s of missed calls to the Fire Brigade!
Whenever I reject my wife’s proposal to buy ornaments for her, she angrily says “Mr. Miser”.
I am sure after watching today’s video she will definitely become happy as the Contest Chairperson also called me “Mr. Miser Ashfaque Deshmukh!”
If you ask me for the best miser that I have come across and if IBQ bank were to have a competition in miserliness then the winner would be my uncle YASIR the ultimate miser
and I am in no way referring to my good friend TM Yasir. He is a good friend, very generous and not a miser and might even share the prize money with me tonight.
So let me take you back to my childhood. One day I heard a shout
Salman!!!...Salman….!!! Take a bag from the house and go to the market to buy potatoes. They are very cheap today. Go hurry up.
Salman (my cousin) took a bag from the house and came back to his father (my uncle) and asked him “Papa how many kilos potato should I buy.”
“250 gms!”
Yes, my uncle is a classic, Ideal, exemplary miser.
Well known as the Miser of the town but who is proud of all his miserly actions.
Now he was trying to teach the same skills to his son Salman.
He was always telling my father,
“Your children are spending money unnecessarily unlike my children” and to prove that he would always ask us various questions.
One day he asked me a question in front of my father.
“Ashfaque..!!!! What will you do if I give you 50 rupees?”
Though I was 100% sure that he will never give me 50 rupees but to be sincere in front of my father I replied,
“I will buy some chocolates and some of my favorite story books”
The he asked the same question to Salman.
“Salman tell me what you will do if I give you 50 rupees”
“I will give it back to you immediately”
My father surprised and asked Salman
“Salman …. Why you will return that money?”
“Uncle…. I know he will take it from my pocket when I sleep.”
When we were in college Salman was nearing graduation from his father’s university but Guru Uncle was always keeping an eye on his activities.
Someone gave information to uncle that Salman was always taking his girlfriend to restaurants.
Uncle Yasir became angry, not for Salman having a girlfriend but that Salman was spending money.
When Salman came home, Uncle Yasir in an angry mood asked him,
“I am not asking you whether today you took your girlfriend to a restaurant or not. Tell me clearly how much money you spent in the restaurant?”
“100 rupees”
“What 100 rupeesss!!!!!!”
“What to do Papa? She had only that much”
One day a nice person came to Uncle Yasir to change his ways.
He said “Please stop all these miserly acts and change yourself”. It is not good instead do some social work. Help others. Do at least one kind act a day”.
Next day excitedly uncle Yasir told his friend that he had done a good act and had saved the life of a beggar.
“That’s a very nice beginning……What did you do?” said the friend.
“I asked the beggar, what if I give you 1000 rupees now itself”
“I will die of a Heart Attack”
“So I did not give him anything.”
The American Novelist, Nathaniel Hawthorne has rightly said,
“Punishment of a miser - to pay the drafts of his heir in his tomb”
Unfortunately Uncle Yasir was suspected to have Diabetes.
The Doctor asked Uncle to give his Urine sample for checking to the laboratory.
Accordingly Uncle gave a test tube of the sample.
On confirmation that he had sugar in his urine, he went to the laboratory.
"Give me back my urine sample!"
"But Sir, it is of no use, we have thrown it."
"I will complain to the authorities, how can you throw off my sample?"
"Bur Sir, it is of no use to you."
"What do you mean? It had sugar in it!"
I leave it to your imagination what Uncle Yasir wanted to use the sugar for!
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